


Phone Calls and Rooftops

by charmikarma



Category: A.C.E (Beat Interactive Band), 믹스나인 | MIXNINE (TV)
Genre: Alcohol, Angst, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Phone Calls, Siblings, TW: Panic Attacks, donghun’s a good friend, now with "sehyoon" instead of "seyoon", onf members pop in, sehyoon-centric
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-26
Updated: 2018-01-15
Packaged: 2019-02-21 23:07:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 14,952
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13153941
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/charmikarma/pseuds/charmikarma
Summary: If it weren’t for Eunsuh, Sehyoon would probably have never realized how important Byeongkwan is.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> hello and welcome!! this fic is (obviously) gonna be a bit longer than my first one haha. most of it is already written, and i just have two planned chapters to write before i’ve written everything. i WILL finish this, i promise!! and updates shouldn’t be so far apart, since most of this is already done.  
> anyway!! please enjoy!! <3

Sehyoon was in an Internet café checking his e-mail when his phone rang with a familiar ringtone: the one he’d given to his sister’s contact. He hadn’t talked to Eunsuh in a while—they’d both been busy with training—so he answered almost immediately.

“Hello?”

“Sehyoon oppa! How are you doing?”

“I’m fine. You?”

“I’m fine, too. I’m great, actually!”

“Ah, really?” Sehyoon leaned back in his seat and smiled at Eunsuh’s excitement. “Why’s that?”

“Well, I’m going on a survival program!”

Sehyoon laughed weakly. “Wow. At this rate, you might debut before me. What’s it called?”

“That’s a secret, but keep an eye out for something on Mnet, okay?”

Sehyoon nodded, then realized Eunsuh couldn’t see him, and said, “Alright.”

“Good!” she chirped, seeming satisfied. “So what are you up to? Have you found a new agency yet?”

“No,” Sehyoon told her, glancing at the computer screen.

Sehyoon and his fellow CJ Entertainment trainees had been looking for a new agency for months, with no luck. Sehyoon felt like it was his fault; he felt discouraged after all the meaningless training he’d undergone, and wasn’t particularly excited to keep training without a certain ending. After WINNER’s debut, he thought for sure it’d be his turn next. Not long after that, CJ Entertainment told the male trainees that they weren’t planning to debut a boy group.

And so he hit a bout of depression; today happened to be one of the few days he was feeling well enough to actually be productive.

“Hmm,” hummed Eunsuh. “Maybe you should audition here. The male trainees—Channie oppa and Kwannie oppa—are both really talented. You might get along.”

Sehyoon laughed bitterly. “What, are JYP’s auditions tomorrow?”

Eunsuh paused. “No. Sorry, oppa.”

“It’s fine,” he told her, scrolling through his inbox absentmindedly. “I’ll find a place.”

“I hope you do. You haven’t seemed like yourself in months.”

Sehyoon didn’t reply. He didn’t _feel_ like himself, either.

“I don’t get you,” said Eunsuh after a while. “Why did you leave YG, anyway? It was your best chance to debut.”

“You wouldn’t understand. You’re only sixteen.”

“You don’t know that. Tell me.”

“No.”

“Tell me!”

Sehyoon let out a frustrated sigh. Eunsuh wasn’t going to let this go, was she?

“YG is a despicable man,” he spat. “Sure, he’s debuted some popular groups, but he doesn’t treat them with the respect they deserve. I’ve heard him yelling at a project group of female trainees—telling them they’re ugly, untalented, and uninteresting. It’s horrible. But at least he _talks_ to them. At least they were good enough to even be _put_ in a project group. I was nobody at YG. I’ve never talked to the man. Most of the trainees I’d been training with were put in a project group a few weeks before I left. Five of them debuted as Winner not long after. I was left in the dust. _Keep practicing,_ some would tell me. But it was meaningless then, and it’s meaningless now. Nothing is certain. People tell me I’m talented, but they could be lying. Actually, they probably are. How could I be talented? I was confused when my fellow trainees were chosen and I wasn’t—I thought I was just as skilled. How can I be talented if I can’t even see my own worthlessness?”

Eunsuh was speechless.

“God, I don’t even know where all of that came from,” said Sehyoon, embarrassed. He pushed his hair back. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that much.”

“No, it’s okay,” she said, sounding thoughtful. “I’m sorry you felt that way. I wish I could understand, but I don’t.”

“It’s probably better that way.”

“Yeah.” It sounded as though she wanted to say more, but she held off, and Sehyoon didn’t press her.

“Well,” he said after a long pause, “I’ll keep looking. You keep training at JYP. Win that survival program. I’ll be watching, okay? I’m supporting you.”

“Yup, I know. Talk to you later?”

“Sure.”

“Seeya,” she said, then hung up.

Sehyoon let out a heavy sigh and stared out the window of the café. His sister, who was _seven years younger_ than him, was closer to debut than he’d ever been. Sehyoon couldn’t help but wonder: _Am I really cut out for this life?_ He sat there for a while, wordlessly beating himself up, until he was startled out of his daze by a small noise from the computer speaker. He hadn’t realized the sound was on, and muted it before he thought about what the sound was.

A vague idea forming in his head, Sehyoon scrolled back up to the top of his inbox to find a new e-mail. It was from a dance studio called 1Million.

Sehyoon had never heard of this studio, but something about the e-mail called him to respond.

After all, it could only be Eunsuh’s blessing.


	2. Chapter 2

Sehyoon had been going home early every Tuesday for three weeks so he could watch the live broadcast of _SIXTEEN._ He didn’t want to hear about Eunsuh’s status on the show from any third parties; he wanted to see for himself, as soon as possible.

When Eunsuh was eliminated in the fourth episode, the first thing he did was call her. The phone rang a few times before she picked up, sounding more than a little exhausted.

“Hello?”

“Eunsuh,” he said.

“Why are you—” she started, then realized. “Oh. It’s Tuesday, right. Sixteen is on.”

“Eunsuh, are you okay?”

“Yeah. I guess. Maybe. I don’t know.”

There was a long pause.

“I’m sorry,” said Sehyoon, unsure of what else to say.

“No, don’t apologize,” she said dismissively. “It’s not your fault. I shouldn’t have forgotten the choreography. It’s my fault.”

“Don’t worry about that. I don’t remember any choreographies I’ve learned from my YG days.”

“Yeah, but have you forgotten the choreo in the middle of a _performance_ before?”

“No. I’ve never performed in front of an audience before.”

“Right,” she said, letting out a frustrated sigh that sent crackles through Sehyoon’s speaker.

“I understand, though.”

“No you don’t!”

“Yes I do!”

“You don’t!”

“Fine, I don’t,” he assented, though he really did understand.

The two were silent again for a moment before Eunsuh changed the subject.

“Channie oppa and Kwannie oppa are planning to leave JYP soon. They’re looking for new agencies.”

“Ah, that’s unfortunate. JYP debuts a lot of great artists.”

“I told them they should go to 1Million Dance Studio with you.”

“What? Why would they need to come to a dance studio? I thought they were both dancers.”

“Kwannie oppa is,” she corrected.

“Regardless,” said Sehyoon. “I don’t think they need to be here.”

“Oppa, _your_ position is dance,” she pointed out. “Why are _you_ there?”

“I guess I’m not as good as those two at dancing.”

“I’m the only one who can be the judge of that. You’re almost as good as Kwannie oppa.”

“You haven’t seen me dance in years.”

“What, have you gotten worse?”

Sehyoon wasn’t sure what to say to that. She had a point, but he didn’t want to give in.

They were both silent for a moment before Eunsuh let out another heavy sigh.

“Hey, I’m sorry,” said Sehyoon. “That really sucks, about your elimination.”

“Yeah,” she said, sighing again. “Yeah.”

“You’re still young, though. You’ll get plenty of other chances.”

“Yeah, I know. You’re right.”

“Keep training, alright? Someday your time will come. I promise.”

“Okay.”

Eunsuh yawned, which reminded Sehyoon how exhausted she sounded.

“You should get some sleep,” he told her, his voice full of concern.

“Yeah, you’re right. Good night, Oppa.”

“Good night.” He hung up.

He was worried about her. She’d always been more stable than he was, but Sehyoon knew what a toll on the mind it was to feel like you’ve missed out on your biggest chance.

But in addition to his concern for Eunsuh, he harbored some curiosity about the trainees that were leaving JYP. Would they end up at 1Million Dance Studio? Probably not, he decided; Eunsuh hadn’t made any indication of the two boys being opposed to the idea, but she was young, and they probably would not have been mean enough to tell her that sounded like a _terrible_ idea. If they were, he’d definitely beat them up. Only Sehyoon was allowed to talk to Eunsuh like that. 

Even if there wasn’t any chance of debuting with 1Million, Sehyoon felt better there; he’d scoffed about the dance studio being a terrible idea, yes, but in reality, it had worked wonders for him and his fellow trainees from CJ Entertainment, who had also decided to join the studio. The instructors were truly incredible at their jobs.

Sehyoon raised his arms over his head, stretching out his shoulders and back. He looked back up to the TV, not realizing he’d been staring at the floor. He scowled at the sight of the show, and turned it off. There was no point in watching anymore.

The door to the apartment made a quiet _clunk_ sound as it was unlocked, and opened to reveal Junhee and Donghun. Usually the two of them would join him on the couch to watch _SIXTEEN_ as they ate dinner, which was how things started out that night. Donghun went to get started on dinner, and Junhee sat down next to Sehyoon. It didn’t take long, however, for them to realize something was different.

“Did the TV stop working?” asked Junhee.

“No,” replied Sehyoon. “It’s fine. I just decided to turn it off.”

Junhee didn’t speak, as if expecting Sehyoon to elaborate.

Donghun, who had just started the microwave—he must not have felt like actually cooking—sat between Sehyoon and Junhee. “Why?” he asked, placing a hand on Sehyoon’s thigh.

“She was eliminated.”

Donghun sighed. “I figured that might be the case,” he admitted. “Think you’ll be okay?”

“Me?” asked Sehyoon, surprised. “Of course I’m okay. It’s Eunsuh I’m worried about.”

“I got this, Hyung,” said Junhee, placing a hand on Donghun’s shoulder. “I know just the thing to cheer you up, Sehyoonie hyung. I have a joke. A sandwich walked into a bar and ordered—”

“Junhee, shut up,” interrupted Donghun as he turned to Junhee, exasperated. “You’re not funny.”

Junhee lowered his head in shame; Sehyoon stifled a giggle.

“Anyway,” continued Donghun, turning back to Sehyoon, “I don’t know Eunsuh well enough to say she’ll be fine, but she’s young, right? Only seventeen?”

“Sixteen.”

“Sixteen. Sorry. She’ll probably be fine, given that.” The microwave beeped, and Donghun ran his hand along Sehyoon’s thigh as he stood up to get the food.

 _She’ll probably be fine,_ Sehyoon told himself. _Yeah, she’ll be fine._

Sehyoon reached over and patted Junhee on the back as Donghun returned, miraculously balancing three steaming bowls of ramen. With Sehyoon and Junhee’s help, he managed to set them down on the table in front of the couch. He returned to his seat, and the three ate together in a relaxed silence.

Sehyoon’s mind wandered away from Eunsuh and off to the two trainees she’d mentioned. He didn’t know their names, and he wasn’t going to think of them as “Channie” and “Kwannie,” but if they were talented, he didn’t have any objections to them joining the studio. They certainly wouldn’t be detrimental to the team; at worst, they’d have little effect on the team. But maybe—just maybe—they’d be something more.

Sehyoon had a feeling that would be the case.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading!  
> i’m hoping to stick to a once-every-three-days updating schedule. if that sticks, this will probably end sometime in late january.  
> stay tuned~


	3. Chapter 3

Toward the end of their nightly dance class, the seven boys had been interrupted by the head of 1Million dance studio—Lia Kim herself.

“I think you’re ready to move on.”

“Move on?” asked Junhee. “What do you mean?”

“You’ve reached the level of professionals, and I know you were all training to be idols before.”

“Is 1Million planning to debut an idol group?” asked Yuchan, his eyes starry.

Lia Kim shook her head. “A good friend of mine is planning to start up an agency. She asked me to recommend my best students, and that would be the seven of you.”

Sehyoon’s entire body buzzed with anticipation. It’d been almost a year since he’d had any hope of debuting, and he was almost afraid to feed the feeling, despite how _wonderful_ it was. Standing next to him was Byeongkwan, who stood completely still, stoic. He tended to be like that, though Yuchan insisted he was the silliest person he’d ever met. Sehyoon figured he had a different persona when dancing; he’d never talked to him outside of class.

Or in it, really.

Lia Kim glanced at the clock on the wall, then said, “It’s getting late. You guys can go home. We’ll talk about this more tomorrow, if you want. I’ll bring my friend.”

The seven of them murmured goodbyes as they bowed to Lia Kim.

Only Donghun and Byeongkwan were still in the practice room when Sehyoon’s phone rang. Sehyoon picked up out of habit before making the connection between who was in the room and who had called.

It was Eunsuh, his sister, who had trained with Byeongkwan and Yuchan. And Sehyoon, despite knowing the two for several months, had neglected to inform them of their mutual connection. By now, it’d be weird to mention it, and Sehyoon was hoping it’d never come up.

“Eunsuh?” he answered, immediately regretting his decision to greet her with her name.

Byeongkwan looked up at Sehyoon from his bag, which he’d been packing, and said, “Eunsuh?”

Sehyoon turned away from Byeongkwan, hoping to pretend he was completely alone in this conversation. His plan backfired; he now faced the mirrored wall, and could still see Byeongkwan perfectly well.

“Hi, Sehyoon oppa,” said Eunsuh. “I have some bad news.”

“O-oh, is that so?” stammered Sehyoon, trying his best to find a balance between _just having a casual conversation with a girl named Eunsuh_ and _I’m sorry Eunsuh that really sucks and I promise I’m a good big brother who cares about your problems._

“Yeah...” said Eunsuh, her low tone suggesting suspicion.

“So, what is it?” he asked, rushing to end the conversation so he could get out of there and _not_ face the fact that he and Byeongkwan did, in fact, have a mutual connection with Eunsuh, and he knew, and didn’t mention it because—did he even have a reason for that? He didn’t have time to come up with an excuse, since he was too busy talking to Eunsuh and trying his best not to overflow with anxiety.

“Oppa, are you okay? You seem really eager to end this conversation.”

“Uhh,” said Sehyoon, venturing a glance at Byeongkwan in the mirror, who caught his gaze and held it with an intense stare.

“Are you in class right now?”

“Um, no, it just ended,” Sehyoon said, sounding a little absent, probably because of Byeongkwan’s eyes staring directly into his soul, threatening to sever it from his body.

“So you haven’t gone home yet?” she asked, excited. “Are Kwannie oppa and Channie oppa still there?”

“U-um, yes, Byeongkwan is.”

“Ah, then I’ll tell you what happened later. Can I talk to him?”

Sehyoon was frozen for several seconds. Then, wordlessly, he turned around and held out the phone to Byeongkwan, who was sitting on the floor.

Byeongkwan looked up at Sehyoon, waiting for some kind of explanation.

“It’s Eunsuh,” Sehyoon told him, unable to elaborate further because of the sheer anxiety that had taken hold of his body.

Byeongkwan stared at him for a moment longer, then took the phone.

“Hello? Is this Eunsuh?”

With Byeongkwan’s attention redirected, Sehyoon took his chance to find solace by walking as normally as he could over to Donghun and grabbing his arm.

“What’s up, Sehyoon-ah? Was that your sister?”

“Yeah,” he murmured. “She’s talking to Byeongkwan now.”

Donghun looked confused. “Do they know each other somehow?”

“Yeah.”

“Did Byeongkwan know that she’s your sister?”

“No.”

Donghun’s eyes widened. “You didn’t tell him?”

Breathless, Sehyoon shook his head.

“God, Sehyoon,” muttered Donghun, sighing. “You really need to get over your shyness.”

Sehyoon buried his face in Donghun’s shoulder, both embarrassed and needlessly terrified.

It was then that Byeongkwan walked over to Sehyoon and tapped him on the shoulder, holding out his phone to him. “Here.”

“Thanks,” replied Sehyoon bashfully, once more pressing the phone to his ear, not daring to let go of Donghun. “That was really quick,” said Sehyoon.

“Yeah, it’s not like we’ve exchanged our entire life stories. Girl and boy trainees don’t mix very often.”

“Then how do you know each other?” Just after asking, it occurred to Sehyoon how awkward it would be to hear a story about someone standing _right next to him._ “Actually, never mind. What were you going to tell me earlier?”

“I’m leaving JYP.”

Sehyoon’s eyes widened, shocked. “What?”

“What happened?” asked Byeongkwan, looking worried. As if it was _his_ business.

“I’m leaving JYP,” she repeated. “I think I’ll go home for a while. Maybe go to high school. I’m not giving up, though. I’m still going to train at home.”

“Oh, Eunsuh...”

“JYP probably won’t debut another girl group for years, since Twice just debuted.” She paused. “I think I understand why you left YG now.”

“If you have to wait that long, you might as well spend that time at home.”

“Exactly! I’m glad you understand. A lot of my friends didn’t. So what’s new with you?”

Sehyoon’s expression brightened. “It looks like I’m entering a new agency with the guys in my class here.”

“What? Oppa, that’s awesome! Do you think you’ll get to debut?”

“Probably, but it might be hard since it’s a new agency.”

“I really hope you get to. You always deserved to debut before me.”

“Don’t say that,” said Sehyoon, frowning.

“I can say whatever I want. Are you still with Kwannie oppa?”

Sehyoon shot a glance at Byeongkwan. “Uh, yeah. Why?”

“Get off the phone! Don’t be rude. Talk to him. He told me you didn’t even tell him I was your sister. Have you even talked to him at all yet?”

“Uh...”

“Oh my god. Oppa, I’m hanging up. Talk to Kwannie oppa. You’ll probably like him.”

Before Sehyoon could respond, Eunsuh had hung up. He removed his phone from his ear and frowned at it in surprise.

“What happened?” asked Byeongkwan again.

“She hung up on me,” Sehyoon replied, stunned.

“No, I mean, why’d you look so shocked before? What’d she say?”

“Oh. Um... She’s leaving JYP.”

“Oh.” Byeongkwan didn’t seem especially surprised. “That’s probably for the best, honestly.”

“Yeah,” agreed Sehyoon. “The uncertainty of her debut would have eaten away at her. She should enjoy her high school years while she can.”

“Wait,” said Donghun, trying to follow the situation. “Byeongkwan-ah, you trained with Sehyoon-ah’s sister?”

Byeongkwan nodded. “I didn’t know she was his sister until today, though,” he said, giving Sehyoon a sideways look. “I haven’t even talked to you before. You’re not as scary as I thought you’d be.”

“Scary?” asked Sehyoon, incredulous. “Me?”

Donghun laughed at this. “Sehyoon-ah, you’re really scary at first. You’re quiet, so nobody can tell what you’re thinking.”

“Yeah,” agreed Byeongkwan, “but if you’re Eunsuh’s older brother, you’re probably just shy.”

 _Just shy._ Yup, that about nailed it.

After a moment of silence, Donghun spoke up. “Should we head back to the apartment now?” he asked Sehyoon.

Sehyoon nodded as Donghun turned to Byeongkwan and asked if his apartment was close to theirs; it turned out to be on the way.

As the three headed home, Byeongkwan and Donghun chatted, and Sehyoon listened, as was typical for him. He never really had anything to add to casual conversation.

Before long, they’d arrived at Byeongkwan and Yuchan’s apartment, and the three said their goodbyes. Sehyoon watched as Byeongkwan opened the door and went inside. He stared a while longer, as if waiting for something.

“C’mon,” said Donghun, and Sehyoon turned his gaze toward him, staring at him for a moment.

“Okay.”

The two continued on their journey home, and were silent for a few minutes, until Donghun spoke up.

“What do you think of him?”

“He’s a good dancer. I admire his skill.”

“No, I mean, now that you’ve talked to him.”

“Oh.” Sehyoon was silent for a moment, formulating an answer in his head. “He’s not as silly as Yuchan said he was.”

“I think it’s a dancing thing.”

“That’s what I thought, too.”

Donghun glanced at Sehyoon, as if trying to read his thoughts. “Why’d you watch him go into his house?”

“I don’t know,” admitted Sehyoon. “There’s just something interesting about him.”

“Really?” asked Donghun. “I hadn’t noticed. I think you’re the only one who has.”

“Maybe it’s a me thing, then.”

Donghun laughed at that. “You’re probably right.”

The two arrived home in silence. Donghun was an early bird; he always went straight to bed after practice. Sehyoon was more of a night owl, but he was exhausted, and collapsed on his bed before he had even changed his clothes.

The next morning he woke up before his alarm. He was eager to get to practice, but he wasn’t sure whether it was because of the new agency or because of Byeongkwan.

Maybe it was a little bit of both.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> remember when a.c.e had 7 members?  
> me neither  
> happy new year everyone!!


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> let the wowson begin :)

Sehyoon was sitting on the roof, about to call Eunsuh, when she called him.

“Hello?”

“Sehyoon oppa!” shouted Eunsuh, causing Sehyoon to hold his phone away from his ear. “Beat Interactive, right? That’s your company, right?”

As soon as the outburst had ended, Sehyoon pressed the phone to his ear again, laughing. “I guess you heard the news, then.”

“I found your Instagram! Your group name is A.C.E, then? And your stage name is Wow? Man, I wish I had a stage name!”

“Yup, that’s us,” said Sehyoon, amused. “We won’t be debuting for a while, though. This is our predebut project.”

“Still, this is so exciting! Wait, is that Kwannie oppa? ‘Jason’? and Channie oppa is Chan!”

“That’s right,” Sehyoon replied. “We all have stage names except for Donghun. Oh, and there’s a YouTube channel, too.”

“Really? Oh, here it is!”

“There should be an introduction video there. I’m a little camera-shy, so I might not be as prominent as the other members.”

Eunsuh laughed. “It’s okay. I am too. So what’ll you be posting on the YouTube channel?”

“Covers.”

“Vocal or dance?”

“Both.”

“Nice. I’ll be your first viewer on every video from here on out!”

“Thanks.” Sehyoon smiled.

“Oh, wow, Jun oppa is hot,” muttered Eunsuh.

Sehyoon winced. “Keep that to yourself, please.”

“Oh, sorry. I’ll stan Kwannie oppa instead.”

“Oh my god, that’s worse.”

“Kidding, kidding,” said Eunsuh, giggling to herself.

The two fell into an awkward silence.

“So,” said Sehyoon, breaking the silence, “how are things going at home?”

“Fine.”

Sehyoon expected more of an explanation than what she gave, and as a result, the awkward silence returned.

Eunsuh broke the silence this time. “I should probably get practicing now; talk to you later?”

“Sure,” said Sehyoon, moving to reenter the house through the skylight. “Practice hard. Let me know if anything comes up, okay?”

“Okay. Bye.”

“Bye.”

He hung up and turned the handle of the skylight, promptly hopping straight into the house without regard for safety. He found himself in the attic, where he typically hung out with Byeongkwan. The two had bonded quite a bit since their run-in after rehearsal several months ago.

He glanced at the closed trapdoor and wondered if anyone had been looking for him. He’d been sitting alone on the roof for the past four hours, and now it was getting dark.

As Sehyoon closed and locked the skylight, the trapdoor rattled and creaked. When he turned to see why, he saw Byeongkwan peering up at him through the crack between the floor and the door.

Byeongkwan lifted the trapdoor further and climbed a step higher on the ladder. “Sehyoonie hyung, where have you been? How’d you even get up here without making a racket? I haven’t seen you in hours.”

Sehyoon shrugged. As far as he knew, he was the only one who had figured out that he could sit on the roof, and he wasn’t willing to give up the privacy it gave him. Not even to Byeongkwan.

Byeongkwan raised an eyebrow, but didn’t question him. He climbed all the way up the ladder and gently closed the trapdoor once he was fully in the attic. He sat down criss-cross on the floor, looking up at Sehyoon. “C’mon, sit with me,” he said, dust rising as he patted the creaky wooden floor beside him.

Sehyoon smiled and sat next to him on the floor. He took Byeongkwan’s hand, intertwining their arms, and said, “I talked to Eunsuh.”

“Oh, how is she doing?” asked Byeongkwan. “I haven’t talked to her in ages.”

“She’s been practicing at home,” replied Sehyoon with a shrug. “I don’t know much more than that. She didn’t seem keen on sharing.”

Byeongkwan cast his gaze toward the floor. “I kind of understand,” he admitted. “Your ages are pretty far apart, and you haven’t lived together in years. It’s kind of a miracle you two are as close as you are.”

“Only trainees understand other trainees,” Sehyoon said, and Byeongkwan nodded in agreement. Sehyoon continued: “I honestly just think she’s jealous.”

Byeongkwan looked up at him, surprised at the blunt statement. “Jealous?”

Sehyoon squeezed Byeongkwan’s hand nervously. “I don’t mean that in a bad way. I just... I don’t know. I guess I can’t completely understand her feelings, but she was so excited when she was on Sixteen, and—”

“Hyung, you don’t need to present evidence. Just get to the point.”

“Sorry, sorry. I think she’s jealous because I’m closer to debut than she is.”

“You told her about our Instagram account and our YouTube channel?”

“Well, she found it herself.”

“And you think that’s why she doesn’t want to talk to you?”

“It’s not that she doesn’t want to talk to me. _She_ called _me._ She just ended the conversation as soon as I asked how she was doing.”

“Oh.”

“What?”

Byeongkwan took in a deep breath as he unfolded his legs, stretching them out as he repositioned himself. “I think you’re right, more or less,” he said, looking up into the skylight. “But that sounds more like embarrassment than jealousy to me.”

“What does she have to be embarrassed of?”

“Her meaningless improvements,” replied Byeongkwan easily, before quickly clarifying: “From her point of view, not mine. Take this with a grain of salt, though; I don’t know her as well as you.”

Sehyoon rubbed the back of Byeongkwan’s hand, thoughtful. “I think you’re right.”

Byeongkwan smiled and gently squeezed Sehyoon’s hand, playfully pointing out his subconscious habit of fidgeting.

Sehyoon was too deep in thought to notice. Byeongkwan’s specific and accurate analysis of Eunsuh’s feelings alarmed him. Did _he_ feel that way? Had he in the past? Sehyoon hoped not. Unfortunately, it was a feeling Sehyoon could relate to, and it wasn’t a great feeling.

Byeongkwan wasn’t the type to make himself vulnerable, so Sehyoon would probably never know. The most he could do for him was tell him how much he admired him and his skills, but he hadn’t even known Byeongkwan for a year, and was reluctant to admit to having that level of affection for him.

“What are you thinking about?”

Sehyoon looked up at Byeongkwan, a little surprised by his sudden question. “What?”

“What are you thinking about?” repeated Byeongkwan. “You’ve been deep in thought.”

Sehyoon couldn’t help but notice Byeongkwan’s subtle, playful smirk, and his concerns were swept away in an instant.

Sehyoon shook his head, unable to hold back a smile. “It’s nothing.”

Byeongkwan raised an eyebrow. “Nothing, huh?”

Sehyoon giggled quietly.

“Well, since you’ve been _missing_ all afternoon, everyone’s probably looking for you.” He stood, still holding Sehyoon’s hand. “Let’s go, okay?”

In wordless agreement, Sehyoon reached for Byeongkwan’s other hand, and he helped him up. After climbing down from the attic, the two went hand in hand to find the others.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading!!! next chapter’s a little painful so uhhh you’ll have fun with that


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw for this chapter: anxiety/panic attacks. don’t read if it bothers you!  
> it’s a heavier one this time. take care of yourselves, everyone.

Sehyoon couldn’t sleep. His entire body was buzzing with anticipation.

Their time had finally come.

It wasn’t like they were debuting tomorrow; they still had to learn the song and choreography, record it, film the music video, go to photoshoots... the checklist was endless, but to finally have confirmation that they were debuting was incredible.

Sehyoon was bubbling over with excitement, and he wanted to tell someone, _anyone,_ that they were _finally_ debuting, but rules were rules; he had to keep it to himself until the company decided to start teasing.

Well, he could always tell the members, but they didn’t want to listen to him tell them things they already knew.

Sehyoon sat up in his bed and looked at the clock. It was almost 2 A.M.

Figuring it was too late to lie down and go back to sleep, he got up, carefully opened his door, and went to the bathroom. As he was about to reenter his bedroom, Eunsuh’s ringtone exploded from the door, which was ajar.

Sehyoon rushed into his room and answered the call, hoping it hadn’t woken up the others. “Hello?” he said in a raspy two-in-the-morning voice as he closed the door as quietly as he could.

“Sehyoon oppa,” said Eunsuh, sounding surprised. “Why are you awake?”

“I could ask the same of you.”

“I couldn’t sleep.”

“Me neither.”

“Oh. It must be your fault, then. Why can’t you sleep?”

Sehyoon tried as hard as he could to hold it in, he really did. 2 A.M., however, was simply not the time for reason.

“Because we’re debuting,” he told her, his voice wavering with excitement. “We found out today.”

Eunsuh sucked in a breath, trying to stay quiet. “Wow, really? That’s awesome!”

“I’m not supposed to tell anybody, though. Please don’t tell anyone.”

“Not even Mom and Dad?”

“Not even Mom and Dad. Please.”

“Okay. Got it.”

“So why couldn’t _you_ sleep?”

“I dunno. Probably because you couldn’t. We just have that sibling connection, you know?”

Sehyoon sighed. “I still don’t think that’s real.”

Eunsuh huffed. “Well, you better— Oh, God, I think I heard someone.”

“You should probably get off the phone before you get caught.”

“You too, Oppa. Good night.”

“Good night.” He hung up.

He heard the door behind him creak, and a shiver ran down his spine. He whirled around to see none other than Byeongkwan peering in at him.

“Hyung,” he said, surprised. “You know that’s a secret, right?”

He heard.

He _heard._

Sehyoon’s phone hit the floor with a _thunk._ His hands were over his face in the blink of an eye.

“Oh my god,” he wailed. “You heard.” He tried to breathe, but it was too hard. He took in rapid breaths, and let them out too quickly. His entire body shook as his mind flooded with terror. It was the end of the world.

Byeongkwan, although confused, acted quickly to pacify Sehyoon. He rushed over to him and sat him down on his bed. He sat next to him and pried his hands from his face, which seized Byeongkwan’s left hand with an intense strength Byeongkwan had never imagined Sehyoon using. He didn’t fight his grip. With his right hand, Byeongkwan wiped away Sehyoon’s tears as gently as he could.

Sehyoon panickedly muttered incoherent words and phrases: things like “I can’t” or “Why is” or “What” or “Stop.” Byeongkwan consoled him with words of his own: “It’s okay,” he whispered. “You’ll be okay. Calm down. Hyung, I won’t tell anyone. It’s not a big deal. It’s okay.”

Sehyoon tried as hard as he could to focus on Byeongkwan. Everything was spinning; it’d blow away and take Sehyoon with it if he couldn’t hold on to something stable. Byeongkwan was stable. Sehyoon clutched his hand like it was the only thing keeping him alive. The only thing he could see were Byeongkwan’s eyes, but they were so blurry that he couldn’t tell if they were real or a dream. His voice, though, was definitely real; even if he couldn’t understand a word he said, he could hear his voice, and it was what eventually pacified him.

The worst was over in fifteen minutes. He could breathe normally, but was still shaking and impossibly cold. His chest was sore and his throat was dry. Sehyoon relaxed, releasing Byeongkwan’s hand. With his recovered mobility, Byeongkwan pulled him into a tight embrace, and whispered, “Are you okay?”

“Do you think I woke up the others?” rasped Sehyoon into Byeongkwan’s neck, teeth chattering.

Byeongkwan rubbed Sehyoon’s back. Sehyoon felt him shake his head. “Are you okay?” he repeated.

“I guess.” He sniffled.

“Are you tired?”

Sehyoon nodded, and Byeongkwan gently lifted Sehyoon off him by his shoulders. “You should sleep.”

“I don’t know if I can.”

“Then at least lie down.”

Byeongkwan let go of Sehyoon’s shoulders, and he lay down, too tired to argue with him. Byeongkwan rose from the bed, and Sehyoon found himself silently begging him not to leave, desperate for him to stay. He crouched on the floor for a moment before returning, setting Sehyoon’s phone, which he’d forgotten he had dropped, on the nightstand. He then took the sheet and blankets, which lay crumpled at the end of the bed, and draped them over Sehyoon.

Finally, Byeongkwan looked Sehyoon in the face. He’d been staring up at him, trying to communicate his desperation without the labor of speaking.

Byeongkwan stared back for a moment, as if decoding his expression. Then he asked, “Do you want me to stay?”

Sehyoon didn’t reply. He instead moved himself further toward the wall to make room for Byeongkwan, who understood, and rested himself on the bed, facing Sehyoon. The bed was much too small for two people; Byeongkwan’s face was so close to Sehyoon’s that his soft exhales tickled his nose.

“I’m sorry,” whispered Byeongkwan, and Sehyoon squeezed his eyes shut. He didn’t want to watch him apologize for something that wasn’t his fault. “I shouldn’t have listened to your conversation. This wouldn’t have happened if I’d just stayed in bed.”

“It’s not your fault,” murmured Sehyoon. “I woke you up.”

“I was already awake. I couldn’t sleep.”

“I still shouldn’t have told her.”

“It’s just Eunsuh. She won’t tell anyone.”

“It’s still my fault.”

Byeongkwan didn’t have any arguments left to present, and gave up. The two were comfortably silent for a moment.

“Do things like that happen often?” asked Byeongkwan.

Sehyoon opened his eyes to look at Byeongkwan. “Like what?”

“Like...” Byeongkwan averted his gaze, unsure of how to describe the incident. “Like just now.”

“What, me overreacting and embarrassing myself in front of you at two in the morning?”

“No. Well, yes, but you didn’t _embarrass_ yourself.”

“No.”

“No?”

“No. It doesn’t happen often.”

“But it’s happened before.”

“Yes.”

“Does Eunsuh know?”

“No.”

“Then who helped you the other times?”

“Nobody.”

_“What?”_

“Nobody has helped me through that before,” Sehyoon repeated, directing his gaze upward in frustration.

“That’s terrible. How do you even survive?”

“I don’t know. It just stops after a while.”

“Sehyoonie hyung,” said Byeongkwan, resting his hand on Sehyoon’s face, running his thumb over his cheekbone.

Sehyoon looked directly into Byeongkwan’s eyes, surprised by the touch.

“I’ll be there to help you if that happens again.”

Sehyoon wanted to thank Byeongkwan, but his reply only amounted to “Preferably, it _won’t_ happen again.”

Byeongkwan smiled at this, and Sehyoon let out a yawn.

“Hyung, have you gotten any sleep?”

“No,” said Sehyoon, mid-yawn.

“Sleep, then.”

Sehyoon expected Byeongkwan to leave then, but he stayed where he was.

“Aren’t you going to sleep, too?”

“Hmm? Oh—” He swiftly removed his hand from Sehyoon’s face— “I can leave if you want.”

Sehyoon wondered if it’d be weird to ask him to stay. He didn’t want him to leave. He thought for a while about how to respond, eventually deciding to let Byeongkwan decide.

“No, I don’t mind. You can stay.”

“Okay. I’ll stay.”

Byeongkwan tugged at the covers, and Sehyoon peeled them from his body. Byeongkwan stood so Sehyoon could move the covers before he lay back down, pulling the covers back over both of them. Sehyoon shifted into a comfortable position, and closed his eyes. After a moment, Byeongkwan spoke.

“Hyung?”

Sehyoon opened his eyes to look at him once more. “What is it?”

“Good night.”

Sehyoon smiled, and Byeongkwan smiled back before closing his eyes. Sehyoon watched his face as well as he could in the darkness, a light feeling rising in his chest. He closed his eyes, enveloped in a strange comfort.

“Good night.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you everyone for reading!! i can’t believe i’m already more than halfway done with this, haha. (actually almost the entire thing is written.) this is the chapter i was definitely most concerned about posting, considering its content... i hope everyone enjoyed it.  
> if you guys wanna talk to me i’m active on instagram: @charmi.choice  
> shoot me a dm and i’ll answer!! if you can’t do that feel free to comment ^^  
> see you guys in three days for the next chapter!


	6. Chapter 6

Sehyoon wasn’t sure what to make of Mix Nine.

It’d been his idea—he wanted to challenge his past. He wanted to prove how much he’d gotten better. After he suggested it, Byeongkwan and Donghun offered to go with him, to provide support, and Junhee and Yuchan decided to try out for The Unit. Nobody knew for sure which show would do better, so why not try both, right?

As Sehyoon was sitting on the roof, thinking, he was interrupted by the sound of the skylight opening. Byeongkwan poked his head out and said, “Hyung, take your phone. Eunsuh’s called you at least four times in the past half hour.”

Sehyoon sighed, leaning over to the skylight to accept the phone. Byeongkwan knew how much he valued his alone time, and probably would not have bothered him regarding such a trivial matter if not for the others’ complaint. It was a well known fact in the house that only Byeongkwan knew where to find Sehyoon when he disappeared. About a year ago, he’d been _determined_ to find out where he’d been running off to, and somehow followed Sehyoon up to the roof without him noticing. That was the first time Sehyoon had gotten mad at Byeongkwan, and would probably be the last. It was mostly because Sehyoon didn’t get angry often, but Byeongkwan would say it was because he would never do anything to upset Sehyoon again. Apparently, he was terrifying when he got angry.

Byeongkwan was gone before Sehyoon could ask him to wait for him to finish the call. He was trying to think without distractions, which was precisely why he’d left his phone inside the house to begin with. Unfortunately, he’d made the blunder of forgetting to put it on silent.

The phone suddenly rang loudly in Sehyoon’s hand, startling him. He picked it up.

“What do you want? I’m trying to think.”

“Oppa, please tell me you’re not going on Mix Nine.”

“What? How’d you hear about that?”

“It’s all over the Internet that Kwannie oppa is going.”

“Huh. I didn’t know that information was out. Yeah, I’m going on Mix Nine.”

“God, how could they do that to you?”

“Do what to me? Mix Nine was my idea.”

“Why would you do that to _yourself,_ then?”

“A.C.E isn’t doing well. We need publicity. Plus, I want to challenge myself. I want to prove that I’m stronger—that YG can’t do to me what he did before.”

Eunsuh sighed. “I really don’t think it’s worth it.”

“Says you.”

“Well, _I’m_ sorry I’m just as boring as you and only made it to the last episode of Idol School because people remembered me from Sixteen. God, I don’t want to be remembered for Sixteen.”

“Jeez, when’d you get so sassy?”

“I could say the same for you.”

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay.”

“Apologize to yourself, too. You shouldn’t call yourself boring.”

“‘Sorry, Eunsuh, for comparing you to someone as boring as Kim Sehyoon.’ Like that?”

Sehyoon sighed, smiling in spite of the insult. “Yeah, I think that should be enough.” It was good to know Eunsuh was still in good spirits after Idol School. She’d gotten stronger the past couple years, and this was her way of showing him.

He wanted to show her, too.

“Seriously, though, Oppa, do you think you’ll be okay on Mix Nine?”

“I’ll be fine.”

“I don’t know if I believe you.”

“Really, Eunsuh. I’ll be fine. Kwannie will be there with me.”

“Oh? And what’s so special about him?”

Sehyoon wasn’t sure how to answer. He wasn’t expecting to say something like that in the first place. He wasn’t even sure what he had meant by it. There definitely _was_ something special about Byeongkwan. Sehyoon had known Donghun and Junhee for far longer, but he was still closer with Byeongkwan. Byeongkwan would probably say the same, but with Yuchan instead of Donghun and Junhee. And that wasn’t Sehyoon’s bias speaking—he could tell that their relationship was mutually important.

“Oppa? Are you still there?”

“Yeah, sorry. I was thinking about how to answer your question.”

“Well, go on.”

“I couldn’t come up with an answer. Sorry.”

“See? I’m right. You shouldn’t go on Mix Nine.”

“Okay, well, first of all, the situation isn’t that simple, second, just because I don’t have an answer doesn’t mean there _isn’t_ an answer, and lastly, I don’t really have a choice anymore.”

“So Kwannie oppa _is_ special.”

“Yes. He’s a very precious...” Sehyoon struggled to find a word; _friend_ didn’t really make sense for some reason. “...companion.” God, that was even worse.

“‘Precious companion’?” Eunsuh laughed. “Wow, you’ve got it pretty bad.”

“What’s _that_ supposed to mean?”

“You don’t seem sure of what he means to you.”

“Yeah...”

“I can tell from videos of you guys that you’re close, though. You’ve never been big on skinship, but when you’re with Kwannie oppa...” Eunsuh laughed.

Sehyoon laughed, too. “Yeah,” he said, smiling. “All the choices have realized it.”

“Anyone paying attention can see it. It’s obvious.”

“Some of them even say I look sad when I’m not standing next to him.”

“Oh my god, but you totally do.”

“No I don’t! I’ve seen all the videos, and I look normal.”

“Oh, Sehyoon oppa,” she said, and he could hear the smile in her voice. “How blind you are.”

“Oh, hush. I’m hanging up.”

“Fine by me. Say—can I come see you perform at some point during Mix Nine?”

“Of course! Why would you have to ask?”

“Just in case you perform something... risqué.”

“You’d see it anyway. I don’t care.”

“You need to be more protective of your sister. You can’t see me, but I’m shaking my head.”

“I’m sure you are. I’m hanging up, for real this time.”

“Okay. Bye.”

Sehyoon scooted over to the skylight, opened it a crack, and dropped his phone into the house. He imagined the members hearing the sound and wondering what it was, and stifled a laugh as he stretched out his body across the shingles. He stared up at the overcast sky, filled with an odd feeling of contentedness. It was cold out, but not cold enough for Sehyoon to trap himself inside.

Eunsuh had been right to question Sehyoon’s decision to join Mix Nine. He really should have suggested The Unit instead. Maybe then Junhee and Yuchan wouldn’t have ended up on a different show. He wasn’t even sure he’d be okay on Mix Nine. What if his self-esteem suddenly dropped again? He was okay now, but if he didn’t do well and felt bad enough, he would have a hard time trying and his rank would surely drop, and drop, and drop, until he’d be eliminated. And then he’d be alone in the house. Even if Sehyoon liked his alone time, he didn’t like being _lonely._ Though the members in the house below weren’t having any direct impact on Sehyoon’s time on the roof, it was comforting just knowing they were there.

But then they _were_ having a direct impact on Sehyoon’s time on the roof, and Sehyoon completely forgot about his reliance on them.

The window creaked as it opened, and Sehyoon rolled back his head to be met by Byeongkwan’s upside-down face.

“Sehyoonie hyung, you dropped your phone.”

“I know. What do you want?”

“Junnie hyung said to find you. It’s dinnertime.”

“I’ll eat dinner later. Leave me alone.”

“Um, I know you do this a lot, Hyung, but I don’t think that’s an option this time.”

Sehyoon raised an eyebrow, inviting Byeongkwan to explain why.

“He bought us a bottle of wine.”

“A bottle of _wine?”_

“Two, actually.”

“Where’d he get the money for _that?”_

“I dunno, he must have been saving up for it. He also has chicken.”

Sehyoon’s stomach betrayed him with a loud grumble, much to Byeongkwan’s amusement.

“You really are hungry, aren’t you?” he said, laughing. “C’mon, just join us for dinner. If you want, you can disappear up here again after that.”

Sehyoon heaved a sigh and rolled over, crawling over to the window. Byeongkwan handed it off to him, and as he held it open he slid into the house, landing as softly as possible. Once the window was latched shut, the two went into the kitchen and sat in the two remaining seats. On Sehyoon’s left was Donghun, and Byeongkwan sat on his right.

“Glad you decided to join us, Hyung,” teased Junhee, who sat across the table from Sehyoon and wore a warm smile. “What brought you out of hiding?”

“Kwannie,” he replied.

“I told him there was chicken, and his belly spoke for him,” explained Byeongkwan, a smirk on his face as he reached over and patted Sehyoon’s stomach.

At first, Sehyoon had just wanted to get dinner over with. He didn’t want to deal with people or conversation or being teased. But when they started eating, the members were very mellow—a trait of theirs Sehyoon tended to forget about. Even Yuchan and Byeongkwan were quiet when they ate.

After eating for a few minutes, Junhee took out the wine. They didn’t get wine very often—or at all, really—so he poured it into mismatched plastic cups, which Sehyoon, along with everyone else, found quite amusing. Donghun declined and drank milk instead, since he didn’t drink alcohol. Because of this, the five of them didn’t go out drinking like other idol groups might, and though Sehyoon would never admit it, he’d never had alcohol before. He wouldn’t have been surprised if Yuchan and Byeongkwan were in the same boat, but neither hesitated in taking a sip, so he figured that was not the case.

 _Just act normal,_ Sehyoon told himself, which was always a recipe for disaster in the department of acting normal.

He squeezed his eyes shut as he brought the cup to his lips and took in a large gulp. It was sour and a bit bitter, almost enough to make him cough, which was funny, because the sensation on his tongue reminded him of cough syrup.

And then dinner went on; Sehyoon ate several more pieces of chicken and downed a few cups of wine. By the time he’d finished his third, it was getting pretty difficult to eat. Byeongkwan, who had only had one cup, and was hardly tipsy, offered to help Sehyoon eat, but he was stubborn, and refused the offer.

Sehyoon was attempting in vain to cut a piece of chicken with chopsticks when Junhee cleared his throat and asked if he could make a speech, to which the rest murmured incoherent sounds in drunken approval.

Junhee started his speech by talking about Donghun. He mentioned how much he appreciated his help in handling leader duties despite not being liked much. He then moved on to Sehyoon, complimenting his skills in dance, expressing his utter beauty, and appreciating his unending calmness. Sehyoon’s mind was too cloudy to understand or remember what Junhee then said about Byeongkwan, but whatever it was made him silently begin to cry.

Donghun noticed first. “Sehyoon-ah, are you crying?”

Yuchan’s head suddenly fell onto the table with a _thud,_ and Junhee paused to tend to him.

Byeongkwan turned to Sehyoon and took his hand. His expression was a mix of concern and amusement. “Hyung, why are _you_ crying? He’s talking about _me!”_

“I don’t know!” wailed Sehyoon. He really didn’t know why he was crying, but something about Junhee’s speech was so accurate and important that he couldn’t help crying a little at it. Okay, he was crying a lot. But how could he help it?

“I think you’ve had enough wine,” mused Byeongkwan.

What a sober asshole. Who gave him the right to be able to see straight and walk normally, even when carrying a large, strong, disagreeable, drunk man to bed?

When Sehyoon woke up the following morning, he could only vaguely remember the previous night, but he had a distinct memory of being frustrated by his hair in his face, and Byeongkwan brushing it away for him. The corners of his eyes crinkled as he smiled, taken with how adorably frustrated Sehyoon was with both him and his hair.

And Sehyoon was taken with how beautiful that smile was.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading as usual, guys!! i really enjoy sharing my fic with all of you.  
> if you have any questions about me or my writing feel free to ask in the comments!  
> no spoilers but the next chapter is a real storm omg. it’s worse than chapter 5. it’s the longest chapter too (unless chapter 8 takes that title in like 15 paragraphs because that’s pretty much all there is left to write). get ready, friends.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the storm.

It was early evening, and Sehyoon was sitting on a chair in the boys’ waiting room as another team—Byeongkwan’s team, the one performing Paradise Lost—was performing a final sound check. Sehyoon’s team had yet to do their sound check, and they wouldn’t be going for a while, so he had receded into his phone. He was scrolling through Instagram, bored out of his mind, when a pleasant surprise arrived in the form of a text from Eunsuh.

 _ **Kim Eunsuh** sent a photo_  
**Kim Eunsuh:** Oppa~ I’m finally inside~

 **Kim Sehyoon:** you’re here??  
**Kim Sehyoon:** i didn’t know you were coming

 **Kim Eunsuh:** Of course you didn’t! I didn’t tell you

 **Kim Sehyoon:** when did u come?  
**Kim Sehyoon:** isn’t it cold??

 **Kim Eunsuh:** Of course it’s cold  
**Kim Eunsuh:** Is that even a question

 **Kim Sehyoon:** how long did you have to wait out there?

 **Kim Eunsuh:** Well,  
**Kim Eunsuh:** I took a train downtown at 11  
**Kim Eunsuh:** And then I picked up a ticket for myself at the line  
**Kim Eunsuh:** At 3:30 I went to Hongdae to eat  
**Kim Eunsuh:** At 4:30 I went back to wait in line  
**Kim Eunsuh:** I almost became a snowman

 **Kim Sehyoon:** hahahaha  
**Kim Sehyoon:** you must’ve suffered a lot ㅠㅠ

 **Kim Eunsuh:** My toes became stones  
**Kim Eunsuh:** It was so cold

 **Kim Sehyoon:** you’ve worked hard~

 **Kim Eunsuh:** I’m sure you’ve worked just as hard  
_**Kim Eunsuh** sent a sticker_  
**Kim Eunsuh:** Good luck!! Hahahaha

 **Kim Sehyoon:** thanks~

“What kind of leader are you, Hyung?” asked the teasing voice of Minseok, one of the boys in Sehyoon’s team.

Sehyoon looked up at Minseok, cracking a smile at him. “What do you mean?”

“Sitting here on your phone,” he said, pulling over a chair to sit next to him. “Don’t you have more important things to do?”

“Oh, nothing’s more important than making sure your family hasn’t frozen to death.”

Minseok smiled. “I suppose your parents are here.”

“No, my sister. She just made it inside.”

“Ah. I wish my family would come see me.”

Sehyoon turned off his phone and set it down on his chair, resting his arm around Minseok’s shoulders. “Don’t worry, Minseokkie. There’s always next time.”

“But Hyung, what if I get eliminated?”

“Don’t be silly. We’re gonna win, remember? Plus, you’re in the top nine. There’s no way you’ll be eliminated.”

“I guess you’re right. We didn’t go through all that trouble to not win on this stage.”

“That’s the spirit!” cheered Sehyoon, and he wondered when he’d become so good at encouragement. Maybe it was just Minseok. He saw himself in him, and felt a need to guide him, almost in a motherly way.

“Thanks, Hyung.”

The members of the Paradise Lost team entered the room at that moment, and Sehyoon looked up to find Byeongkwan. He watched as he looked about the room, and when his gaze rested on Sehyoon, he walked toward him.

“Hyung, when’s your sound check?”

“I think there are three teams going before us. How’d yours go?”

“It was fine.” Byeongkwan glanced at Minseok and pursed his lips before looking back at Sehyoon. “Can we talk?”

Sehyoon smiled. “Sure.” He removed his arm from Minseok’s shoulders and stood to follow Byeongkwan out of the waiting room, into the hallway. Across the hall was the girls’ waiting room—as always, the genders were separated—and a group of girls wearing red shirts, black shorts, and high heels were heading to the stage for their sound check.

Byeongkwan waited for the girls to clear out of the hallway before speaking. “How’s your team doing? Are you still having problems?”

“We’re fine now.”

“Good. I was worried when I heard about your dance evaluation. I wish I could’ve been there to support you.”

“It’s okay. The boys from the Hug team were there for us. Plus, Hyunsuk definitely had it the worst.”

Byeongkwan put his hands on Sehyoon’s shoulders and looked him directly in the eyes. He was wearing gray contacts, which made his gaze more intense than he probably intended. Sehyoon’s heartbeat quickened in reply.

“I don’t care about Hyunsuk,” he said slowly, as if Sehyoon might miss a word if he spoke any more quickly. “I care about you. Were you okay?”

Sehyoon stared at him for a moment, then suddenly found himself pulling Byeongkwan in for a hug. “Kwannie, I—” 

Sehyoon pulled away as suddenly as he had initiated the hug and sidestepped around Byeongkwan, looking at the back of his shirt. “Is this sheer?”

Byeongkwan turned his head to cast a sideways look at Sehyoon, a smug smile on his face. “Do you like it, Hyung?”

“It’s—It’s kind of _hot,”_ he stammered.

Byeongkwan chuckled. “That’s not very manly of you.”

Sehyoon shot him a glare, despite the heat growing in his cheeks.

Byeongkwan grinned, holding back more laughter. “Well, given your disregard for this conversation, I guess you were fine.”

“Yeah. I only cried a little, and we worked out the problems.”

“That’s good.”

The two heard a sound—it _must_ have been a dog barking, but it came from the girls’ waiting room, and was followed by a roar of laughter. They both looked at the door, half-expecting a dog to explode from within at any second. But after the laughter died down, quiet settled over the hallway once again.

“What’s that about?” muttered Byeongkwan.

“Girls are weird,” replied Sehyoon.

“Yeah,” agreed Byeongkwan.

The two remained silent for a moment, still slightly stunned by the odd barking and laughter.

The girls from before returned, murmuring greetings to Sehyoon and Byeongkwan, who murmured greetings of their own as they sauntered toward their own waiting room. When they reentered, Byeongkwan went over to Seungjun, and Sehyoon felt somewhat betrayed, though he wasn’t entirely sure why. Instead of following Byeongkwan over to Seungjun—who he didn’t know very well in the first place—he returned to his seat next to Minseok.

“What did Byeongkwan hyung want you for?” asked Minseok.

“He wanted to make sure I was okay after everything we went through this week.”

“Oh,” said Minseok, frowning at the floor. “I’m sorry I picked you. You didn’t deserve the stress of—”

“No,” interrupted Sehyoon. “No. It’s fine. Don’t worry about it. Have some faith in your decisions, okay? I’m glad I got to lead our team.”

Minseok looked up at Sehyoon, smiling sheepishly. “If you say so, Hyung.”

Sehyoon and Minseok waited together in comfortable silence until it was their turn. After everyone was done with their sound checks, the producers passed out paper bags of food for dinner. Sehyoon looked around to find Byeongkwan so they could eat together, but when he saw him, he was gathering his team to eat together. Figuring it’d be weird to join them, he opted to eat with Donghun instead, but Donghun was doing the same as Byeongkwan. Before he could make a decision to follow suit, Hyunsuk, who Sehyoon thought was more of a leader than him, was already gathering the team. Sehyoon was left feeling abandoned and useless.

There was a low level of chatter throughout dinner, but Sehyoon only contributed once. About halfway through his meal, he turned to Hyunsuk and said, “Hyunsuk-ah, would you mind introducing the team on stage today?”

He hadn’t meant it to be a big deal, but suddenly all of the team members were looking at him.

“Sure,” replied Hyunsuk, eyes wide.

The members were silent until Minseok spoke.

“Hyung... are you okay?” he asked quietly, almost afraid to ask.

“Yeah,” said Sehyoon, packing his remaining food into his bag. He wasn’t hungry anymore. “I’m going to the bathroom.”

Sehyoon stood and walked briskly toward the door. Before exiting, he threw his food into the trash can. He walked down the hall until he got to the bathroom. He went into the last stall and locked it. He put down the toilet lid and sat on it, bringing his legs to his chest to make himself as small as possible.

He felt cold. His hands shook and tears rolled down his face, but he had no idea why. Though he knew not to expect anything, he desperately wanted Byeongkwan to find him and wipe his tears away the way he had several months ago. He wanted him to tell him there was nothing to worry about, that’d it’d be okay, that he was there to support him. 

_Kwannie doesn't care about you,_ whispered a voice in the back of his mind. _Why would he? You’re trash. Completely useless._

Sehyoon wanted to believe it wasn't true—that Byeongkwan _did_ care. But the voice was persistent, and Sehyoon was vulnerable; he couldn’t help but believe it, and every minute that passed while he was alone in the bathroom stall made him believe less and less that Byeongkwan truly cared, which in turn made the voice stronger, more convincing. It was a vicious cycle. He hadn’t felt as terrible as he did in that moment since he was a trainee at YG, and if he remained alone any longer, he surely would have felt even worse.

The bathroom door creaked as it opened, and Sehyoon held his breath, hoping to go unnoticed.

“Sehyoonie hyung?” called the voice of Minseok. “Are you in here?” Sehyoon heard him walk across the bathroom, and opened each stall to see if Sehyoon was there.

 _I shouldn’t be doing this,_ thought Sehyoon as Minseok got closer and closer to the last stall. _I should be out there, helping everyone get ready for the performance. I’m only making them worried by being here. We worked so hard, but because of me, we won’t do well because everyone is uneasy. How could I do this?_

Minseok arrived in front of Sehyoon’s stall, and Sehyoon stared at his feet, which he could see through the space below the stall door. Minseok tried the door, and when it wouldn’t open, he said, “Hyung, are you in there?”

Sehyoon wanted to disappear. He wished he’d been eliminated the first time around. Then he could be home, sitting on the roof, completely at peace despite the biting cold.

“Hyung, if you’re in there, you need to come out. Nobody’s mad at you. We need you.”

Sehyoon couldn’t hold his breath anymore, and suddenly let out a loud sigh before taking in another shaky breath.

“Hyung, are you okay?” asked Minseok, more urgent than before.

Sehyoon didn’t dare to respond; his voice would surely betray him.

“If you don’t think you can perform, that’s okay. I’ll talk to a PD. They’ll work something out.”

“No,” murmured Sehyoon, to both his own surprise and Minseok’s. “No. I’ll perform.” His voice was shaky, but firm.

Minseok didn’t respond at first, as if he wasn’t sure whether to believe Sehyoon. “Okay,” he said after a while. “Do you need a bit?”

“No, just give me a second,” replied Sehyoon, wiping his eyes and face as best as he could before standing up and opening the stall door.

“You okay?” asked Minseok, the same nervous smile on his face as always.

“Yeah,” replied Sehyoon. “Let’s go.”

Once all the teams were seated in the waiting room, the performances started. The girls went first, and during their performances, Sehyoon struggled to figure out what had upset him. He’d felt like a burden to his team, or at the very least like a useless leader. But that wasn’t all of it—there was something related to Byeongkwan, too. That was the part he couldn’t figure out. Did he feel ignored? He shouldn’t have; Byeongkwan had gone out of his way to talk to him, to make sure he was okay. So what had upset him?

Sehyoon gave up thinking about it after a while and lost himself in the girls’ performances. But then the performances were over, and it was the boys’ turn to perform. Sehyoon’s team went second, and everyone felt like they’d done well. By the time his team was done finding out their rankings, the following team was almost done. After them was Byeongkwan’s team.

Sehyoon watched Byeongkwan closely. It was hard to tell when a master performer like Byeongkwan was having fun during a performance, but Sehyoon knew Byeongkwan well. He could see that Byeongkwan was enjoying himself immensely.

And that’s when it hit him. After checking to see how Sehyoon was, Byeongkwan had gone to hang out with his team. He ate dinner with his team. He and Sehyoon hadn’t talked all week.

Sehyoon was losing Byeongkwan to Mix Nine.

He pushed the thought to the back of his mind; he didn’t want to get emotional while he was on camera again. Whatever footage they’d gotten of him crying several days prior was all they would ever get.

After Byeongkwan’s team finished, Donghun’s team performed, and then everything was finished. The contestants congratulated one another on their completion of the second mission while the audience filed out. Sehyoon didn’t go out of his way to greet anyone, opting to stick to Minseok instead. Minseok seemed to sense Sehyoon’s apprehension, and stayed with him. One by one, the ONF members came over to greet Minseok, and Sehyoon, since he was there. Donghun came over, too, and Sehyoon was certain he could tell something was wrong, but he didn’t say anything.

The last person to greet Sehyoon and Minseok was Byeongkwan. “Great job, you two!” he said, grinning.

“Thanks, Hyung,” replied Minseok with a smile. “You guys did really well, too. Who do you think will get the 10,000 vote benefit?”

“Probably Donghunie hyung’s team. Their performance was really strong.”

“I think so too,” agreed Minseok. “Either Bang Bang Bang or your team will win.”

“You really think so?” asked Byeongkwan, his grin widening.

“Yeah,” said Minseok, venturing a nervous glance at Sehyoon, who had neglected to comment. “Uh, what do you think, Sehyoonie hyung?”

“You’ll probably get the votes,” Sehyoon told Byeongkwan. “You or Donghunie hyung’s team, at least. I don’t think anyone else was having as much fun as you.”

“Really? Weren’t you having fun too?”

Sehyoon didn’t have time to respond; one of the producers had instructed the boys to reenter the hall for team rankings. The girls were ranked first, and after that, the boys were filed onto the stage. Hug was ranked fourth, then Donghun’s team third (much to everyone’s surprise), then It’s You fifth. Finally, only Sehyoon and Byeongkwan’s teams were left. They’d been told to line up across the stage, and Sehyoon ended up standing next to Byeongkwan.

Byeongkwan was the one who took Sehyoon’s hand. At first, Sehyoon thought he was afraid that he wouldn’t get the 10,000 vote benefit, but he quickly realized that would be uncharacteristic of him, since he was probably confident he’d get it, and it’d be rather cruel of him to share a concern like that with the very person he was at risk of losing it to. Sehyoon had no idea what else could have made Byeongkwan take his hand, but he certainly wasn’t opposed to the touch.

 _They’re going to win,_ thought Sehyoon. _No question about it. They’re going to win._

And they did.

Sehyoon released Byeongkwan’s hand and turned to him, smiling and clapping as naturally as possible—that is to say, not very.

“Congrats, Kwannie,” he said, and Byeongkwan spread his arms to embrace Sehyoon. It was a quick hug, and immediately after, Byeongkwan went to hug other members of his team and other members of Sehyoon’s team.

Sehyoon joined another crowd of men embracing, and Byeongkwan joined, too, but opposite the circle from Sehyoon. It wasn’t the same without his touch. He was right there; close enough for Sehyoon to reach out and touch him if he wanted, yet he seemed so far away.

After the team ranking announcements, there wasn’t anything more to do, and the contestants were sent back to their dorms. At this point, they were free to leave, but it was nearly 1 A.M., and very few people were ready to go. Sehyoon wasn’t either, and he was too tired to get ready, even if he was tired of people. Plus, he would have to take Donghun and Byeongkwan with him, and there was no way they’d be ready to go.

When Sehyoon arrived in his dorm, he pulled out his phone to discover a missed call and voicemail from Eunsuh. The dorm was relatively empty—most of its inhabitants had headed to the bathroom to get ready for bed. Sehyoon figured there would be no harm done in listening to a voicemail. He unlocked his phone and pressed it to his ear to listen to Eunsuh’s message.

“Hey, Sehyoon oppa! You did really well today. I realized while the phone was ringing that you’re probably off handling ranking stuff or something, and I’m hoping to be asleep by the time you’re done with that, so I figured I’d leave a message.” Eunsuh snorted bitterly. “Who am I kidding, though? I’ll probably still be awake at four in the morning.”

Sehyoon quietly giggled as Eunsuh paused. His laughter, however, was accompanied by a pang of homesickness.

“Anyway, you did really well today. The girls in the audience really liked your floor move.” She laughed. “I wonder if the reaction was that crazy at the first performance? You’ll have to tell me sometime. We should meet up soon; maybe tomorrow? I’ll be staying in Seoul tonight, so I’d be up for coffee or lunch tomorrow before I go home. Uhh...” She paused again, gathering her thoughts. “Oh yeah! Kwannie oppa and Donghun oppa both did really well, too. Though your performance was my favorite—how could it not be?—I liked both of their performances a lot, too. Though the Bang Bang Bang performance was really impressive, I think Paradise Lost will win. It was a really sexy performance, and a lot of the members were really popular. Oh—by the time you hear this, you’ll probably already know the results, haha. Maybe you could let me know whether or not I’m right? Spoil me a bit? Oh, hold on a second.” There was a _whoosh,_ and Sehyoon figured she’d covered the microphone. After a moment, she continued. “Sorry about that. I got to the hotel; I had to greet the woman behind the desk. Anyway, even if the show itself isn’t getting good ratings, it seems like the three of you are having fun. Especially Kwannie oppa. He stood out a lot on stage. I, personally, was really blown away by his dancing. He’s improved a lot since I last saw him in real life. Isn’t it weird how different it is, seeing people dance in real life instead of on a screen?” Eunsuh paused to let out a heavy sigh, and an odd creaking sound told Sehyoon that she’d just lain down on her bed. “Man, I’m beat. Maybe I actually _will_ be able to sleep tonight. I hope so. Well... I guess I’ll end this here, then. Sleep well tonight, Oppa. Bye.”

Sehyoon removed the phone from his ear and looked at the screen. He deleted the message. It was always nice to hear from Eunsuh, but only one thing she said stuck out to him: it seemed Byeongkwan was having fun.

Minseok entered the dorm, and upon seeing Sehyoon standing there, completely still, still wearing his concert outfit, he spoke. “Hyung, you should change out of that.”

Sehyoon looked over at Minseok, turning off his phone and stuffing it into a pocket. “Yeah,” he said absentmindedly. He left the room.

He wanted to go home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the texts in this chapter are ~~stolen from~~ inspired by the text convo eunsuh had with sehyoon and posted on her instagram before later deleting it  
>  somebody on twitter translated it and i was GOING to credit them (edit: i know now, it was @azuleoraa!! thank you so much) but my phone, on which i had the screenshots, decided it was time to stop working so i don't know who translated it :( whoever you are thank you tho!! i hope you read my fic and enjoyed it, haha.  
> anyway, second to last chapter! i think i'm going to bless you guys with chapter 8 a day early. so see you monday with the last one!  
> again i'm on instagram (@charmi.choice) and my dms are open if u wanna talk to me!!!


	8. Chapter 8

Sehyoon went into the bathroom, hoping to find Donghun or Byeongkwan there. Maybe they’d be willing to go home if Sehyoon offered to drive.

Donghun was there, looking into the mirror as he wiped makeup off his face. When he saw Sehyoon walk in, he stopped immediately and turned to him.

“Sehyoon-ah, are you okay? Minseok told me you were crying before the concert.”

Sehyoon winced, looking around to see if anyone had heard. Hyojin, who was taking off his makeup next to Donghun, watched Sehyoon in the mirror with one eye as he wiped off the other. He had definitely heard, but chances were he already knew, since he was in the same group as Minseok, and was probably around when Minseok told Donghun.

“Oh, jeez, sorry,” mumbled Donghun, noticing Sehyoon’s unease. “I didn’t mean to announce that.”

“I doubt anyone else heard,” offered Hyojin, looking back at his own face. “They’re all waiting for the shower.”

As if on cue, laughter exploded from the other side of the bathroom, where the showers were.

“The stalls are empty, too,” added Hyojin with a shrug. “No harm done.”

Sehyoon looked at him for a moment before looking back at Donghun. “Never mind that. Hyung, how packed are you?”

“God, you are _not_ asking me to go home tonight,” said Donghun, turning back to the mirror to continue wiping off his makeup.

“I am, actually. I’m exhausted. I want to go home.”

Donghun raised an eyebrow. “If you’re tired, go sleep in your dorm.”

“That’s not what I meant, and you know it. Please, Hyung, I promise I’ll drive. Can we go home?”

Donghun shook his head as he threw away a soiled makeup wipe. “Fine. Have you asked Byeongkwan?”

“No. I was hoping you’d find him for me.”

Donghun sighed. “First you’re asking me to pack, and now you’re asking me to find Byeongkwan _for_ you?”

“Aw, come on, I know you wouldn’t let your luggage become a mess anyway. You probably only have to pack a toothbrush.”

Donghun laughed. “That’s true,” he admitted. “Fine. I’ll go find Byeongkwan.” He took a clean makeup wipe from a can that was on the counter and held it out to Sehyoon. “Wipe off your makeup.”

Sehyoon took the wipe, rolling his eyes. “Fine, mom.”

Donghun left the bathroom, leaving Sehyoon alone with Hyojin. He hadn’t been expecting Donghun to leave, and he didn’t know Hyojin well, so he figured he’d skip taking off his makeup. However, as he moved to throw away the unused wipe, Hyojin spoke.

“No. You are _not_ allowed to throw away _my_ makeup wipe without using it.”

Sehyoon turned around to look at Hyojin, who was still wiping his face.

“It’s just a makeup wipe.”

“I don’t like to waste things,” Hyojin replied. “Listen to your mom. Wipe your face.”

“Jeez,” muttered Sehyoon, turning to the mirror as he began to wipe off his face.

“Sorry you’re having a sucky day, Hyung, but second place doesn’t sound like a sucky day to me.”

“I honestly don’t care about my rank.”

Hyojin frowned, clearly upset by the statement. “That’s not something you should say to someone who lost to you.”

Sehyoon shrugged. He wasn’t in the mood to pity Hyojin.

“Anyway,” continued Hyojin, “you should probably start caring, because if you don’t, you’ll probably end up separated from your boyfriend.”

Sehyoon froze. _“Boyfriend?”_

“Yeah,” said Hyojin, smirking. “Same guy who’s been holding onto third place since basically the beginning.”

Sehyoon stared at Hyojin in the mirror, his mouth wide open.

Hyojin finished wiping his face and threw away his wipe.

“It’s not like that,” Sehyoon told him, sounding uncertain. _Boyfriend?_ Was that really how others saw their relationship?

“Really?” asked Hyojin, somewhat surprised. “Maybe it should be, then. The two of you seem like you’re close beyond a normal friendship.”

He was right—though he wasn’t sure if their bond was on a _romantic_ level, there was definitely something more to their relationship. _Boyfriend._ The word stuck in his mind like a sickeningly catchy jingle from a commercial. Something about associating the word with Byeongkwan made his heart skip a beat.

It occurred to Sehyoon that he had no idea how Hyojin had picked up on this.

“How would _you_ know?” demanded Sehyoon.

“Donghunie hyung told me,” he replied. “And I interpreted the information.”

“Why would Donghunie hyung tell you about us?”

Hyojin shrugged. “I was curious, so I asked. The results were far more interesting than I expected.”

“This isn’t any of your business,” hissed Sehyoon.

“I know, Hyung. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have stuck my nose in your business.”

Sehyoon narrowed his eyes as Hyojin grabbed his can of wipes, patting Sehyoon’s back on his way out of the bathroom. “Good luck, Hyung. I hope all goes well for you and Byeongkwan-ah, whatever it is between you two.”

A shiver ran down Sehyoon’s spine as Hyojin left. He hadn’t talked to him before, but he was _weird_. Maybe getting third place had put him in a sour mood, and Sehyoon couldn’t blame him. His performance had been stellar; his team had deserved first place. They’d been _expecting_ first place.

Sehyoon finished wiping off his makeup and headed back to his dorm to pack up, to the dismay of his team. Once he was done, he met up with Donghun, who was waiting with Byeongkwan in the lobby of the building. None of them spoke on the way to the car. Sehyoon drove home, as promised, and Donghun sat in the front seat, which left Byeongkwan to the backseat. He either didn’t care or was too tired to complain.

Throughout the car ride, Donghun and Byeongkwan were both on their phones, tapping away—probably texting. It didn’t bother Sehyoon that they weren’t talking to him; he didn’t want to talk anyway.

Their house wasn’t far—it was only a fifteen-minute drive from the Mix Nine dorms, so they were home pretty quickly. All three of them got ready for bed right away, and with a flurry of quiet goodnights, they were off to bed.

Sehyoon lay in his bed for hours, not quite conscious, but not quite asleep, either. Every time it felt like he had finally been claimed by the comfortable embrace of sleep, a voice in the back of his mind whispered the word _boyfriend,_ and his eyes shot open. This happened at least five times—Sehyoon had stopped counting—before he got too frustrated to keep trying to sleep.

He went up to the roof—where he always went when he wanted to think. But even as he was putting his arms through the sleeves of his coat and climbing as quietly as he could into the attic, then through the skylight onto the roof, and finally settling himself into a comfortable position under the stars, he was already thinking, and the answer was already clear. It’d been clear since the beginning. How could he be so blind?

 _Boyfriend._ The reason it stuck with him was simple—maybe the descriptor wasn’t true, but Sehyoon _wished_ it was.

In other words, he loved him. He was in _love_ with him.

Sehyoon stared up at the stars above, wishing he knew the constellations so he could look for them instead of lying there, unable to think anything but _I love him, I want him to be mine, but he’s given himself over to Mix Nine and doesn’t care about me anymore._ The stars blurred together as his eyes filled with tears. Even if Mix Nine hadn’t come along to ruin any chance he’d previously had, he had no idea whether Byeongkwan would even accept his feelings. They were both men, after all, and many Koreans had an overwhelmingly negative attitude toward homosexuality. He’d never talked to Byeongkwan about his views on homosexuality before. He hadn’t thought it would matter, but now it _did_ matter, and Sehyoon was left regretting everything.

Sehyoon closed his eyes, ready to submerge himself in frigid feelings of self-hatred, when the skylight opened. Sehyoon sat bolt upright, wiping his tears away as quickly as possible.

“God,” said Byeongkwan. “It’s so cold out here. Why are you up here, Hyung?”

“I couldn’t sleep,” he replied, his voice trembling. He prayed Byeongkwan wouldn’t notice, to no avail.

“Hyung, are you okay? Were you crying up here?”

“No.”

_“Really.”_

“No,” repeated Sehyoon, turning his head away from Byeongkwan. “I’m fine.”

“I don’t believe you. Donghunie hyung told me you were crying before the concert.”

Byeongkwan was silent, expecting Sehyoon to explain what happened, but he didn’t speak.

“Hyung, what’s wrong?”

Sehyoon didn’t respond. Byeongkwan remained silent for nearly a minute.

“Hyung, you can’t just—”

“Because of _you,”_ interrupted Sehyoon.

“Because of _me?”_

Sehyoon didn’t bother to repeat himself.

“Hyung, I...” Byeongkwan’s voice trailed off, and Sehyoon could hear the hurt in it. He felt a pang of guilt. “I don’t know what I did wrong, but I’m sorry, I guess.”

Sehyoon couldn’t hold his tears back anymore, and another one ran down his cheek, accompanied by a sniffle.

“Please come inside. You’ll catch a cold out here.”

“No. I want to be out here.”

“Hyung, please,” begged Byeongkwan.

“Go away. I’m trying to think.”

“About _what?_ How much you _hate yourself?_ I don’t think that warrants sitting up here alone in the cold.”

Sehyoon lowered his head, holding back a sob.

“Oh, god,” said Byeongkwan, realizing what he’d said. “I’m sorry, Hyung. I really didn’t mean that.”

“Whatever. If you really hate the idea of me sitting up here alone in the cold, why don’t you come up yourself?”

“I’m afraid of heights.”

Sehyoon snorted. “Tough.”

To his surprise, however, Byeongkwan hoisted himself through the window with a grunt. He pressed himself against the roof, shivering with either fear or cold—Sehyoon couldn’t tell.

“Kwannie!” hissed Sehyoon, scooting over to where Byeongkwan clung to the roof. “You can’t just come up here. It’s not safe.”

“Well, nothing’s ever happened to—” Byeongkwan was interrupted by a gust of wind. “Ah!” he shouted, gripping the shingles of the roof with his fingers as best as he could. “Hyung, please help me,” he said, fearful.

Sehyoon scooted closer and placed his hand on Byeongkwan’s bare arm.

“Ah! Hyung, your hands are so cold!”

“Deal with it,” snapped Sehyoon. “Do you want me to help you or not?”

“Please help me,” he begged.

“That’s what I thought,” muttered Sehyoon, grabbing Byeongkwan’s arm once more and helping him into a more comfortable position. Why wasn’t he wearing a coat, anyway?

Once Byeongkwan was sitting upright, he looked over the edge of the roof and seized Sehyoon’s hand.

“Kwannie, calm down. You’ll be fine.”

“S-sorry, Hyung,” he replied, teeth chattering. “I’m supposed to be comforting you, but now you’re comforting me.”

“You’re still free to try to comfort me, but I doubt you’ll be able to,” retorted Sehyoon.

“Can we go inside first? Please?”

 _“You_ can go inside. I’m staying up here.”

“Fine, I’ll stay up here too. Why are you being so cold?”

“Leave me alone,” hissed Sehyoon. “Go inside.”

“How can I go inside?” snapped Byeongkwan, releasing Sehyoon’s hand. “How can I leave you up here when you’re hurting and it’s _my fault?_ Hyung, please give me a chance. What did I do?”

“I don’t want to answer that.”

“I don’t care. Tell me, Hyung. I need you to tell me.”

“Fine. You—”

Sehyoon tilted his head, thinking. What _had_ Byeongkwan done?

“I don’t know,” said Sehyoon, suddenly baffled. Why was he so upset? What had started this? “I guess it started when... at dinner.” What had even happened at dinner? He ate with his team. Byeongkwan and Donghun at with theirs. “I felt... alone.” Why? “Both of you are so good at leading your teams. I’m hardly a leader. I didn’t even want to eat with my team.”

“Were you thinking of eating with me and Donghunie hyung?”

“No. Just you.”

Byeongkwan went silent after that, and another tear rolled down Sehyoon’s cheek. Byeongkwan didn’t seem to notice, which made Sehyoon feel more alone than ever.

“Hyung, I’m sorry, but I don’t get it,” murmured Byeongkwan. “All this over _dinner?”_

“No,” said Sehyoon. “I don’t know. I don’t think so.”

“You don’t sound very certain.”

Sehyoon buried his face in his knees. “I have no idea,” he admitted. “It just feels like... I don’t know.”

“I think you _do_ know,” said Byeongkwan, reaching over to lightly squeeze Sehyoon’s shoulder. “What’s the problem?”

“It feels like...” God, saying it out loud made it seem so _stupid._ “It feels like you care more about Mix Nine than me.”

Byeongkwan was silent.

Sehyoon considered venturing a look at his face—maybe he’d be surprised that something like that had even once gone through Sehyoon’s mind. But he was too afraid that he’d look up and see Byeongkwan looking off into the distance, unable to respond because it was true, and—

“Why would you even _think_ that?”

Sehyoon lifted his head, and, sure enough, on Byeongkwan’s face was the shocked expression Sehyoon had been hoping to see.

“I—I’m sorry.”

“No, Hyung, please don’t apologize. Was it because I wasn’t there when you were crying? Or was I _why_ you were crying?”

“Kwannie, please don’t blame yourself.”

“Please tell me.”

“It was—It was kind of both.” Sehyoon put his hands over his face. “God, I’m so sorry.”

“Why are you apologizing?”

“I don’t want you to feel bad.”

“Hyung, that’s just making me feel worse,” he admitted sheepishly.

Sehyoon’s first impulse was to apologize for apologizing, but he held back, and remained silent.

“Sehyoonie hyung, I want to make this up to you.”

“It’s fine,” he said into his hands. “Just knowing it isn’t true is enough.”

“No,” he insisted. “Look at me.”

Sehyoon slowly removed his hands from his face, placing them instinctively in Byeongkwan’s open palms as he turned to look at him. Byeongkwan curled his hands around Sehyoon’s, giving them a light squeeze as he searched Sehyoon’s eyes. After a moment, he let out a nervous laugh.

“Do you know what you are to me?” murmured Byeongkwan.

Sehyoon shook his head, not daring to look away from Byeongkwan’s eyes for even a second.

“You’re my everything,” he whispered, his voice wavering slightly. “Dancing is my life, but it’s not the same dancing alone. Dancing with the other hyungs and Channie is fun, but even that is nothing like dancing with you. It’s not just dancing, either. I can’t explain it, but... There’s just something about you, Hyung.”

Sehyoon felt tears welling up in his eyes, and hung his head to hide them, embarrassed. He resisted the impulse to put his hands over his eyes, tightly clutching Byeongkwan’s hands instead.

“Sehyoonie hyung, are you okay?” asked Byeongkwan, alarmed. He leaned toward Sehyoon, trying to catch a glimpse of his face.

“I’m fine,” replied Sehyoon, his voice shaky. His heart was pounding. “These are happy tears, I promise.”

Byeongkwan laughed. “That’s reassuring.”

The two were still for a moment, as if thinking about what to do next. Then Byeongkwan pulled his hands away from Sehyoon’s and wrapped his arms around him instead, embracing him tightly. Sehyoon likewise wrapped his arms around Byeongkwan, absorbing his overflowing confidence as if it was electricity and Byeongkwan was a generator. Feeling better already, Sehyoon relaxed into the warm embrace. If the moment never ended, Sehyoon would have been content.

But Sehyoon had to bring an end to the lie he was living. He couldn’t pretend anymore.

“Kwannie,” whispered Sehyoon, “there’s something I want to tell you.”

“What is it?” he whispered in reply.

“I want you to know what _you_ are to _me.”_

Byeongkwan waited for Sehyoon to continue, gently running a hand up and down his back.

“I’ve wanted to be an idol for as long as I can remember,” began Sehyoon. “When I became a trainee at YG, it was like a dream come true. But YG is far from a dreamland, and I’m sure you can tell too. I started—” he swallowed down a knot of emotion rising in his throat— “I started to feel terrible about myself constantly. It was my decision to leave YG in the end, but that made me feel worse. Everyone who knew me would ask if I’d finally given up on my ‘impossible dream’ or asked me if I was crazy for leaving YG, of all companies, if I really wanted to be an idol. _YG is a path to certain success,_ they told me, and I wondered if there was something wrong with me. I spent a year at home after that, and it was easily one of the worst years of my life. It—” Sehyoon’s voice broke.

“Keep going,” whispered Byeongkwan.

“It was hard to even keep living, Kwannie,” continued Sehyoon, his tears audible in his voice. “I couldn’t even muster the energy to get out of bed some days. I don’t even remember how I ended up at CJ after that, but thank god I did, because if I didn’t, I would have never met you.”

“That’s where you met the other hyungs,” recalled Byeongkwan.

“Yes,” replied Sehyoon. “If it weren’t for them, I surely would have given up after that didn’t work out. But I pulled through, and eventually you came. You were unlike anyone I’d ever seen. You _are_ unlike anyone I’ve ever seen. You're always confident. You’re selfless, too—you quickly became the emotional support I’d always needed.”

“But I messed up.”

“No. Don’t blame yourself.”

“But—”

 _“No._ I’m not done, Kwannie. I guess... God, this is kinda hard to admit.”

“Say it, Hyung.”

“But... I don’t know if you’ll be able to accept it. Accept _me.”_

Byeongkwan laughed. “Of course I’ll accept you. Haven’t I been doing that this whole time? You’re you no matter what comes next.”

“You mean that?”

“Of course I mean it. I mean everything I say to you.”

Sehyoon took in a deep breath.

“I... I think I’m in love with you,” he stammered.

Byeongkwan froze; he even stopped breathing. Sehyoon, terrified by his reaction, responded likewise, as if time itself had stopped along with Byeongkwan. A whirlwind of thoughts ran through his mind— _What if he thinks I’m creepy? What if he hates me for being gay and stops talking to me? What if he leaves A.C.E and it’s all my fault? What if—_

“Like, romantically?” asked Byeongkwan, breathless, and all of Sehyoon’s thoughts were silenced.

“I’m sorry,” said Sehyoon, his arms falling to his sides in a halfhearted attempt to break away from the embrace. “I shouldn’t have said anything. You can forget I ever said that.”

Byeongkwan didn’t let go of Sehyoon. “I don’t want to, Hyung.”

Sehyoon’s heart was pounding. “What do you mean?”

“I...” Byeongkwan collected the smooth fabric of Sehyoon’s coat in his fists. “I feel the same way, actually. I have for a long time.”

“Really?” whispered Sehyoon. “You— Really?”

Byeongkwan laughed. “Hyung, do you not believe me?”

“I want to,” admitted Sehyoon, “but this seems too good to be true.”

“It _does_ seem that way,” agreed Byeongkwan, moving his hands from Sehyoon’s back to his shoulders, separating the two to look Sehyoon in the eyes. “But I’m serious. I promise. I wouldn’t lie to you.”

Sehyoon, not realizing what he was doing, reached up and held Byeongkwan’s face between his hands.

“What are you doing, Hyung?” asked Byeongkwan, smiling.

“Convincing myself that this is real,” answered Sehyoon. “That _you’re_ real.”

Byeongkwan laughed, his cheeks pink. “I’m real. I’m here. And I love you.”

Sehyoon shook his head, unable to hold back a smile. “It’s late. What if you change your mind in the morning?”

Byeongkwan grinned. “Don’t be silly. You know I won’t. But like you said, it’s late. Why don’t we get some sleep?”

They were still for a moment before wordlessly reentering the attic—Byeongkwan doing so with quite a bit of help from Sehyoon—and heading to bed. Sehyoon’s bed, to be specific. Byeongkwan insisted on “tucking him in,” which really meant that once Sehyoon was in bed, Byeongkwan climbed in with him and held him close until he fell asleep.

Sehyoon awoke around 11 A.M., and Byeongkwan was gone. Wondering where he’d gone, Sehyoon wandered into the kitchen to discover Byeongkwan standing at the window, sipping a cup of coffee as he watched fresh snow float down from the sky.

He turned to look at Sehyoon and smiled. “Good morning, Hyung.”

Simply seeing him smile was enough to make Sehyoon’s breath catch in his throat. The events of the previous night came crashing back to him. His chest felt light, his heart dancing, as he walked over to Byeongkwan.

“Kwannie,” he murmured, pressing his cheek to Byeongkwan’s as he took his hand.

Byeongkwan laughed. “Hyung, you’re so cute,” he said, setting down his coffee mug to wrap his arms around Sehyoon. “I love you.”

A shiver ran through Sehyoon’s body, forcing joyful tears to his eyes.

He was still real. He was still here.

And he still loved Sehyoon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you so much for reading!! whether you were with me throughout this whole ride, joined sometime in the middle, or are reading this for the first time after its completion, thank you so much. just knowing there are people out there enjoying my work is so amazing. i hope all of you enjoyed the ending!!  
> this weekend, i surprised myself with a new fic idea. it’ll probably be a while before i start posting it, but the whole thing is (mostly?) planned so i think i’ll be able to finish that one too!! but i don’t wanna leave you guys hanging, so i probably won’t start posting until i’m ABSOLUTELY CERTAIN i’ll be finishing it. so if you never see that fic from me, just know that it was never meant to be. :(  
> as always you can talk to me on instagram (@charmi.choice)!! i’m kinda awkward in dm but i am 100% willing to TRY to talk to you haha.  
> special thanks go out to: nicole and wubble, who beta read this; a.c.e, who inspired me just by being here; the school board, for letting me have two weeks of break, which gave me time to write this; my mind, for making slacking off during finals (to write this) possible; my mom, for giving me the experience in life to know how to write many of the things in this fic; and all of you, for reading and enjoying!!  
> see you next time, friends!!! <3


End file.
